In Remembrance Part 2

The day after King passed away I kept my original plans of traveling to VA for my friend's wedding. I took the bus to DC, got my rental car, then drove down to Lynchburg. It was so good to just get out of Manhattan and away from the sadness. Nothing like a wedding to cheer you up after something so sad! Spending time with old friends was just what I needed and I'm so thankful for the the relationships that have lasted from my college days.

Mandy's wedding was beautiful and encouraging to me that yes, there is still hope and my future husband just might show up on my doorstep and change my life (at least that's how it happened for her and Andy). I enjoyed my time catching up with her sisters, even joking about how they wanted me to take a travel job down there so we could all hang out (little did we know I'd actually end up about an hour away---unintended). I stayed with some hometown friends and played with their healthy and sweet little girl. I bought shiny, pretty things at the J.Crew Clearance store. Life felt normal again.

Then I went back to NY and it didn't. I couldn't go back to work, it was all still too fresh. I wasn't ready to be someone else's nurse. I didn't want another patient to be in his room. I called out and it was one of the best decision I could make. Jenn, as always, came to my rescue and we trekked out to the Bronx zoo for a day of fun. This zoo was GREAT! I highly recommend it. I also recommend visiting the little monkeys that like to swing from branch to branch and then play "high five" with them against the glass divider. Don't worry, there is a video out there somewhere of my monkey play! The animals were great, the weather was perfect, and it was just the lighthearted activity I needed to refresh my thinking that life in NY was still good.

Hahaha...right before she got spit on!

The next day I was cancelled for low census. Little by little life was better. NY understood my heartache and that I needed to ease back into life. My next shift I reluctantly went to work, knowing that today was King's funeral. I'd asked coworkers if I could switch shifts but no one could/wanted to. I got my assignment, a homeless teenager who was despondent, depressed, and in desperate need of some fun and my coworkers thought I could fix this! I needed that challenge to continue to get out of my funk. I focused on her, not what I was going to miss. I used my break time to walk to CVS and buy wide tooth combs and detangler spray in attempts to make her feel pretty. She had gorgeous, thick, uncontrolled and dirty hair down to her waist. After 2 hours and 4 hands we had managed to wash it, brush it, and braid it...and even coaxed a smile out of her! I felt a small victory as my nursing persona was coming back. These are the impacts I like to have on my patients.

Somehow we discharged 3 patients and ended up being over staffed. I pleaded my case with the charge to let me be the person to leave early, vowing to come back if needed! I grabbed my salad (we had ordered lunch and it was almost 2 hours late) just as it arrived, raced outside, and hailed a cab. As I stuffed my face and mumbled the address to West Harlem we zoomed all the way up and across town. It was truly a mad-rush sort of NY moment for me.

I got to the funeral home about 10 minutes into the ceremony. I stood out like a sore thumb as I was still in my green scrubs and I was white. I edged my way into the doorway of a packed room and spent the next 2 hours standing and learning who the real King was, the healthy and active King I didn't get to meet. His classmates shared stories of how brave he was and how he helped them through difficult times. His teachers shared how he changed their teaching models and encouraged them during their first year of teaching in an inner city environment. His Oncology doctors shared his courageous battle and positive attitude. His mom made several "surprise" appearances for special readings and solos. She knew that if she had put her name in the program everyone would try to stop her. Her strength was just incredible. She shared her story of how King was the one who encouraged her to go back to school and pursue a Master's degree in Theology so she could be a better teacher and share God's love. She was composed and joyful. She gave us hope. Something that was so sad truly did turn into a time of rejoicing and homecoming. When it was nearing 3 hours the service concluded and they allowed for all of us latecomers to have a "viewing".

I shook hands, hugged, and said goodbye to brothers and aunts and uncles that I'd met over the past few months. Mom and I embraced, each with tears of joy that I'd made it and could tell them goodbye. Family members I'd never met hugged me and thanked me for the wonderful care that I'd given him. I spoke with a few of his Oncologists, thanking them for how great it was to work with such a caring team, and left. Here I was, a little white girl walking through the streets of Harlem with tears streaming down her face and a smile on her lips. I had touched a life, and he had touched mine.

In Remembrance Part 1

(WARNING: it's a little graphic)

During my time at NYU I had the privilege of taking care of patient "King" (not the real name). King was a teenager, about to graduate high school who'd been diagnosed a few years earlier with cancer. He bounced in and out of the PICU several times while I was working there and I often was his nurse. I don't think he was excited about me being his nurse, but I had built up a relationship with his mom and really admired this amazing woman so I always enjoyed being his nurse so I could spend time with her. Sometimes we forget that in pediatrics the family are the patients too, and this woman was taking on so much during such a trying time in her life. She was so positive, the kind of positive where I knew she had a hope in something bigger and through our time together we shared our journey of faith and how it gets us through the day to day, good and bad.

In April, King got really sick and was again admitted to the PICU. We all had a bad feeling and could see the slow, steady decline of his weak body. Day after day we transfused platelets and tried to prevent infection. We started TPN and lipids when he could no longer eat or drink. We initiated oxygen support when he struggled to breathe. We debated about putting in a chest tube, (it was quite a heated debate as I felt that it wasn't in the patient's best interest---they wanted to do it at the cramped/dirty bedside instead of the clean OR for this immunocompromised pt, AND this was 3 days after his respiratory distress and we had weaned him from Bipap back to nasal cannula)---thanks, that was my medical rant. We got him better, we celebrated his birthday and even had cake & pizza (which he didn't eat). I tried so hard to be the best nurse I could to him and his mom, at that point in time not knowing I'd be his last nurse to care for him.

I think I was gone for 2 or 3 days and when I came back to work he was dramatically worse. I talked with mom extensively, sharing my opinion of what our options are and talking about what is in his best interest. She was realistic, but still hopeful. My first shift with him was ok, my second was awful. We had a family meeting and in my opinion the medical team painted intubating him as a "rosy picture that would help" while I knew how traumatic it'd be and that it's not what he'd want. King was maxed out on Bipap settings and a Dilauded gtt for comfort. It was heartbreaking. Family came, we were all somber. He'd cheated death before, but would he do it again?

I came in for my 3rd shift, got report, sadly but realistically supported the DNR/DNI plan of care, noted mom sleeping in the corner, went to do my assessment and as I started to tell King that I was his nurse for the day his heart rate dropped from the 80's to the 60's to the 40's and I woke mom up and said these dreaded words, "Mom, I think this is the end".

She immediately was by his side, whispering her love, grasping at his hand. The PICU team arrived and we all watched, waiting, for that last breath and the official calling of King's time of death. I don't know if you've ever experienced this with a loved one, or as a medical professional but it's just odd. To think that one minute you're here, and the next you are gone. My confidence in times like this is that I do believe in an after life, I believe in heaven and hell, and after getting to know King and his mom I believe that I will see him in heaven one day with a healthy body!

Mom alerted the family, the nurses whispered what happened to one another throughout the unit, the room was quiet, peaceful, and then so cold. I sat with mom, we held hands, we cried, and then I prayed with and for her. As I write these memories even now my eyes are flooded with tears, being joyful that his pain is over and sad for the loss of such a great young man. Praying with her was so significant to me at the time because I'd spent over a year living in NY and CA, places were any religion except Christianity is tolerable and having to hold back offering "Can I pray with you?".

After all the family arrived and spent time with King and mom, I escorted them to the elevators, and as the doors closed I was allowed to grieve. He was MY kid. I loved him. I loved his family. I felt his loss too. As I collapsed in the hallway from emotion and heartache a kind nursing assistant got me a chair and cup of water. After composing myself I went back to the room because my job was not yet finished. I was still in charge of taking care of him, his body. Meticulously and carefully I removed tape, dressings, monitoring equipment knowing how fragile his skin was. We bathed him, then wrapped him in a plastic tarp (yes NYU, I'm still mad that you did not have the decency to supply us with adult zip up body bag. I hated every minute of rolling him over and over to tape the too small bag closed.) As if preparing his body for the morgue wasn't traumatizing enough I also had to take his body there myself, pushing him through the hallways, and place him on a giant "cookie sheet" to be picked up. This was just TOO much for me to handle. I'd never had to do that at any other hospital. In my previous experiences there was someone who staffed the morgue who would come pick up your patient and deal with that aspect. After returning to the unit my manager suggested I take a walk to clear my head and get my emotions under control. When I came back we had a small debriefing moment with coffee and stale bagels, they wanted me to stay and pick up another kid but I couldn't. How do you ask someone who'd just had their patient die pretend that nothing happened and be bright eyed and bushy tailed and excited to be someone else's nurse for 4 hours?

On my way out of the hospital I'm face with the question of what to do. I went on a walk. I showered and changed clothes. Am I allowed to lay on my couch and cry? Should I just act like nothing happened and call a friend for dinner? I ended up at Niobe Nails. It was a mindless activity that killed the time and forced me to make the only decision of "what color?" and "10 minute extra massage?". As sweet little Jun rubbed my hands and pulled my fingers, cracking my joints and tsking at my built up cuticle I knew today was for the best. Life goes on. King was happy and healthy in our Father's arms. His mom while heartbroken has the peace from that same Father who is holding him. And I had the privilege to be their nurse, to witness his final breaths, and one day see him again.

The Sister's Food Tour Part 2

Saturday morning started out with brunch at Pastis, located in the Meatpacking District. If I've learned anything after living in NYC it's that you should always get a reservation and always use the bathroom before you leave someplace. Brunching in this neighborhood negates the theory of reservations. It was 10am and there were lots of empty tables! We each ordered a different Eggs Benedict (my fave) and drank endless cups of coffee, served by the sweetest French lady. Aside from some great restaurants and upscale shopping the Meatpacking District is also at a great spot to pick up the Highline Park Trail. I love walking the Highline for it's great views of the city from a different perspective.

We made our way up to Central Park to see the sights and do some boating, my request of the wkd! We waited about an hour in line but the time passed quickly and the weather was lovely. I will admit, there was a bit of drama on my part about rowing the boat. I had a dream, and reality wasn't quite as magical...but it got there! First let me say, it's awkward trying to get off shore as you bump into other boats and are trying to manage these oars whose guidehooks aren't screwed on well...yeah, yeah, it sounds like a bunch of excuses instead of saying "I'm horrible at rowing", both are true. We finally got the hang of it and grabbed some fun shots. God Bless Jenelle for her patience and photography skills!

Baby Riggs is only 4 wks old! 

We weren't quite sure what we should do next so we grabbed some fresh roasted nuts to snack on and took the train down to West Village where we meandered through shops and Washington Square. It's a little blurry here what happened next, but I think it involved the decision to get MORE food and meet up with Jenn Brown. Always a good plan. Oh yeah, we had dinner reservations at Prune in the LES! It was quite a "derishous" dinner from a very unique menu! Good suggestion Emily. For some reason, we decided we must need more food so we headed to S'mac for some amazing Mac 'n Cheese to go, then to St.Mark's Place for bubble tea, and then to Pommes Frites for pommes frites (duh!), and then we tried walking home but it was just too much, so we caught a cab, a LADY cab driver at that, and then demanded we get out 4 blocks earlier so we could get some more Insomnia Cookies! We were women on a mission, and I think we succeeded...at eating well!

Sunday morning Jenelle flew back home, I dropped Em off at the Gallery Church and Jenn and I went to get our PALS renewal class (Pediatric Advanced Life Support). Sadly it was quite ugly/rainy this day and we met up with Em as a little cafe right by my apt, Cafe Delicattessan to come up with a rainy day plan. To be honest, I can't remember what we ended up doing, but it was fun and we made some great memories during our wkd together! Here are a few extra pics I forgot to slip in.

The Sister's Food Tour Part 1

I know I titled this "Sisters", plural, and yes, biologically I only have 1 sister named Emily and she is AMAZING, but we also "adopted" Jenelle a few years ago and she's been a nice addition to our family :) I was very excited to have a Sister Adventure Wkd and it was really nice that they'd both been to NYC before so we could deviate from the normal touristy guidelines. Basically we ate, A LOT, and it was so good.

best $3 spent on dinner.

Em arrived Thursday afternoon just in time to freshen up, grab some dumplings and sesame pancakes from my new fave Prosperity Dumpling, then walk up to St.Marks and meander, get some Pinkberry, then finally make our way to the Ben Rector/Needtobreathe concert. Let me just say, this was a great concert and it was pretty rockin' for "Christian music". We met some really sweet college students who shared our strong dislike for the group of drunk girls beside us (hello, rule #17, you don't get drunk at Christian concerts!) that continually pushed against us and told us to "stop taking their space" and who loudly talked to each other throughout every single song of Ben Rector. Me, being the older and more confrontational sister that I am took it upon myself to make some small talk with them. Our conversation went a little like this,

Ben Rector

    "Hey, seems like you girls have a lot to talk about! I saw you all hand your phones out. Do you have unlimited texting? You do, oh that's great, because I'd really appreciate if you could just text each other what you're thinking instead of saying it loud enough for all of us to hear! I paid to hear the band, not you".
    Their response, "You want us to text and drink at the same time?!".
    Me again, "Yeah, I do. I'm pretty sure you've done that before."

Did it work? Not really but I felt so much better after I said that! Turns out they were "fans" of Needtobreathe so instead of talking they loudly sang most of the songs. Oh well, we still had a good time and I'd hands down recommend going to see both bands if you have the chance!

Needtobreathe

Em and I headed home, and by this time Jenelle had arrived at my apt. Our first official stop of our "Food Tour" was Insomnia Cookies and they have this Coconut Pecan cookie that is to die for! We ordered a few boxes (don't judge, it's way too early in the story for that) to go and made some special deliveries to both the PICU and "Cardiac for Babies" unit so they could meet some of my coworkers and the mother of a patient who I just love (that is a whole different blog post). And then we got hungry on the 10 minute walk home so we grabbed some 99cent pizza!

The next day started out with a stop at Vic's Bagel Bar (are you surprised?) and Jenelle about died from how good it was! We needed that energy for our busy day of traipsing all over Brooklyn, per Emma's request. First we walked down to the LES for a mani-pedi at my favorite, Beauty Cutie, and then we took the subway over to Brooklyn, where we scored some cheap fedoras from a sidewalk vendor, and skipped a traditional lunch for some red velvet ice cream at Shake Shack instead! Our sugar comas led us to a really fun kitchen store, where we bought some amazing veggie peelers & Brooklyn tea towels and we found a cookbook there that left us drooling and decided our next foodie adventure! One Girl
Cookies was such a charming place, it smelled like heaven, and tasted just as good!

One Girl Cookies

cute sister

We decided that we should probably walk off some calories and headed to Brooklyn Bridge Park. While exploring the park, the carousel, and shops (like Brooklyn Industries, love their soft T's) we found Jacques Torres, a chocolatier, who's rumored to make the best chocolate chip cookies so of course we had to try them! By now it's 6pm and we haven't eaten "substantial" food so we got in line for pizza at Grimaldis. After carb-loading on a NY staple we walked the Brooklyn Bridge back to Manhattan and took some AMAZING photos! 

Brooklyn Bridge Park

pretty skyline

probably the most fabulous
picture taken of me, ever

stunning sister

snazzy Jenelle

city lights from the BB

Downtown lights

Somehow, we mustered up some more energy and headed down to Southport to catch the Staten Island Ferry. We decided to brave the cold wind, which we were not dressed for, and as we stood huddled together with my scarf wrapped around all our heads we waived to Lady Liberty and fireworks shot off in the distance. At that moment we all knew, our day together couldn't have been better!

approaching Manhattan on the ferry

Rockaway

The temperatures are warming up a little bit and this is the rare weekend that both Jenn and I are off work AND in town, w/o any company. This combo means we get to hang out with what we affectionately refer to as "Dave's Crew". Bless him, he is manly enough to hang out with 5 women at a time and not be perceived as our gay best friend. Jenn and I had decided to meet the group over at Rockaway Beach after going to church...and then after lunch at Hill Country...and then after some ice cream in Madison Square Park. By now it's early afternoon and we're just starting to make what we thought was just over an hour long trip to the beach. Wrong. It was a 3+ hour ordeal involving multiple transfers due to weekend track work, a few dead ends, a trip to JFK to catch a bus which turned into a "really special ride" and then finally, almost 5 pm arriving at our destination! Of course by this time the gang was about ready to pack it up and head home. We convinced them to stay a little bit longer for us. We desperately needed to smell the ocean, feel the sand between our toes, stare at surfers and pretend that we too had spent our Sunday afternoon chilling at the beach after several weeks of ugly rain.

@ Rockaway Beach

Es running into the cold waters &
one of my seashell finds

on the Jetty

We decided food was a good idea, and earlier in the week Jenn & Dave had met a surfer who had suggested The Wharf so over there we went! Both the food and the views were great!

dinner!

Dave & his harem

We had a pretty fun, car ride home, jammin' to the radio and me coining the phrase "Not my car" each time we hit a bump pretty hard due to the 6 ppl and beach accessories crammed into Dave's old Camry. I volunteered to be DD, partially for selfish reasons as I really wanted to drive across the Brooklyn Bridge at night! I can't help it, I'm just obsessed with that bridge. Even now, as I'm writing this I'm wearing a T-shirt with the BB on it.

city skyline in the back

Dave, Adline, (me), Jenn, Shelly, & Es

Dave & Adline

gorgeous sunset

Once we made a few drop offs and found a spot near Dave's we crashed his place to watch Dumb & Dumber b/c I'd committed the crime of never having watched the whole movie. Everyone else fell asleep, but I now understand "Throw another shrimp on the barbi" and "Lloyd Christmas haircut".