Life in C'ville

I can't believe I'm writing a post that should have been started in June, but here goes. After leaving NYC I went to NC, then to WV for a family wedding, then to my parents house in OH to pack for my move to Denver. I had finally secured a Denver contract with the Children's Hospital in Aurora (what I thought was going to be my dream job, maybe even the end of travel nursing). I repacked all my clothes, did tons of laundry and sorting, packed up my car and headed down to Louisville to spend the wkd with my sister and then we were going to drive out West together. We even had friends plan a BBQ to honor the Kraftsingles arrival to Denver! Sadly my contract was cancelled and a wkd with my sister turned into a week and a half on her couch waiting out for news on my next job. I was looking at San Diego, Milwaukee, and Charlottesville, the last being where I ended up. UVA was fast about responding to my profile, the interview went great, the unit sounded more critical than NYU and a summer in VA couldn't be the worst option out there!

I moved to Charlottesville in late June after taking a trip out to Michigan and Chicago for a wedding/NC friend reunion/birthday trip. A former Duke Resident that I remained friends with via facebook saw my post about going to UVA, we got reconnected, and I ended up moving into her townhouse just 2 miles from the hospital. I was worried about living with someone as I've been on my own for several years now, but learning to share my life and be more flexible to my personal tastes/needs/wants v. someone else's on a daily basis was something that I've been thinking about lately and thought this would be a good experience. It's been SO nice to live in a fully furnished house with real dishes and kitchen gadgets and have a bedroom that was almost the size of my NYC studio! Alaina has been a great roomate and we've enjoyed some neighborhood walks, dinners with friends, adopting and domesticating a street cat named Cupcake, and spending our rare evenings off together catching up on her DVR. (Can you believe I've never had DVR before? I'm now a fan of "The Good Wife" and "White Collar" thanks to her DVR selections!)

UVA's PICU is really nice. It's fairly new with good equipment, all private rooms, lots of computer work stations, an actual employee break room/kitchen and locker room that multiple ppl can fit in at the same time (way different than the tiny closet of a kitchen lunchroom at NYU that 3 ppl "comfortably" could fit in at one time!) The staff is a mix of experienced nurses >5 years and new grads/Clin I's. There are several other travelers here, two of which I know from when I was in DC so that's nice. The night shift crew is pretty awesome, but day shift isn't quite as "fun". However, I do enjoy how my body feels on days, even if it's not as entertaining/encouraging.

Sadly I've worked a ton of wkd shifts and have only made it to church once this summer. Thank goodness for podcasts! I've hung out a few times with coworkers, mostly visiting some area wineries. I've gone down to Lynchburg several times to visit some old college friends, and then had the chance to meet up with my family for a few days in Myrtle Beach, met up with Em in KY, and went home to my parent's for a wkd as well. It's so hard to believe that my 13 weeks are up. Time really does pass faster the older you get. I'm not quite sure what is next for me, but Denver is still the dream! I'll let you know, when I know!

Direction & Devotion

This morning I woke up shortly after 5am thinking I was going to work some OT, but was put "on call". Unable to fall back asleep I headed downstairs, brewed some coffee, made some breakfast and went outside to enjoy the cooler weather. I don't know where you are, but here in Charlottesville (and 99% of the country) it's been ungodly hot. We are finally getting a break from the heat and humidity so my roomate and I are trying to take advantage of the outdoors with evening walks and using our patio.

I'll be the first to admit that my devotions are often scattered and I have a less than stellar track record of how often I do them. I like to blame it on my erratic schedule, but it's really to be blamed on my laziness and not wanting to feel convicted. It's been quite awhile since I started my day off with the Bible over the Today Show...and it felt good.

I recently downloaded YouVersion on my Iphone and they had several options for devotions. I picked one called "God's Ultimate Casting Call" and was really struck by today's devotional titled "God wants to direct your life". Lately I feel like most of my friends and family have been asking me how much longer I'm going to be travel nursing and want to get an idea of where my future is headed. It's so frustrating because I don't know the answer to either of these questions! It's been 2 years now since I left Raleigh and 4 states and 5 jobs later I'm not any closer to figuring out where I belong. I LOVE being a travel nurse, but I know there is more to life than what I'm doing. I'm so grateful for the friends, the adventures, the experiences, the growth, the memories, and on and on...but there is a big part of me that's starting to crave stability, fellowship, companionship/relationships (yes, that includes dating), a space that's mine that I can decorate, etc. I'm 27, I'm single, I'm happy. There are a lot of people that can't say those things. But I'm also 27, desiring to not be single and wanting to be happy sharing my life with someone special and with lots of friends close by in a place that I've decorated thanks to Pinterest's inspiration! I loved my NYC experience, and I've definitely been living in a state of culture shock since leaving. Do I want to MOVE there permanently? No. Will I go back? Yes, or at least I'm planning to for the Fall. I'm still wrestling with why I'm not in Denver, what I've decided is my "dream job and dream city" and am hoping that I can travel out there this winter. It's scary to think of moving permanently for a job w/o "traveling" their first, but maybe I need to take that leap of faith?

Today's Scripture was James 1:23-24
"For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was."

One idea that really stood out is that I don't want to forget. I've tried to be very conscious of the fact that the more I travel, and the more alone I am, the more selfish I become. I want to put other's first, AND I want to put God's plan first. Not mine, which is SO hard to say. I'm really good at planning...or at least I'd like to think so! I have a really great plan to go back to NYC in the fall, finish by Christmas, finally spend the holidays with my family at home, then take a travel job in Denver...then maybe stay there, get a place, decorate and craft, and MAYBE use that "One Day" Pinterest board I made if I find a guy. See, good plan? But is that God's plan for me? I need to do a better job of absorbing the msg that God tells me: He knows my future, He's planned what's best for me, and what He has planned is better than anything I could imagine. Why can I not just rest in that peace of knowing that it's all taken care of? Why do I keep looking back, doubting, needing just one more reassurance? It's just look women and mirrors. No matter what, we have to look just one more time before walking out the door! Is my hair perfect? How's my lipstick (hot pink of course)? It's fine, and I'm going to be fine too, no matter what state I end up in, or if I keep travel nursing, or if I'm single or married.

Unintended Hiatus

Well, I've done it again. Dropped off the blogosphere that is. I don't really know how it happened other than to say I got too caught up in having fun and the less you post each week the more daunting it becomes in the long run to try and catch everyone up on all the happenings in my life. I'm probably more disappointed in letting myself down than the handful of faithful readers (you know who you are and thank you for making my life feel important!). Aside from posting pictures on facebook this is such a great way for me to journal about my life's adventures and capture the emotions and details of what is going on behind the pictures. I know that I've forgotten a lot of the details, but I'm also feeling inspired as I go back through these photos, now several months old, and would like to try and recapture some of these memories! Please bear with me as I try to catch up, thanks!

p.s. If I'm really feeling motivated/tech savvy I'll try to back my posts as they happened.

Saying Goodbye to NYC

My contract at NYU ended on May 19th and it was very bittersweet to leave. I'd made a new family out of my coworkers on the PICU and CVCCU. I'd met wonderful non-nurisng friends (Dave, Adline, & KC just to name a few). I'd found a great community at the Gallery Church. I'd made some unbelievable memories and wasn't sure if I was prepared for a "slower paced" life outside of Manhattan, but at the same time I needed a break. I needed to slow down. Yet there was still so much to do and see and somehow I'd not managed to fit it all in during 7+ months!

My last week included dinners out after work with friends and coworkers and squeezing in one last...
*visit to Duke's
*bagel from Vic's
*mani-pedi with accent nail :)
*walk down the Highline
*walk to work passing both a Starbucks and Dunkin' (that really is "the life")
*view of Midtown from my apt windows
*doorman chasing down an off duty cab for me
*stroll through Central Park
*LWL (Ladies Who Lunch) in Bryant Park w/ KC & Adline
*impulse buy from C.Wonder in SoHo (orange polka-dot dress, doesn't every girl need one?)
*street vendor scarf purchses
*Coney Island adventures with Jenn

Thanks to my sweet doorman who hailed that above mentioned off-duty cab I made it to the airport on time for my first class flight back to North Carolina. And thanks to Jenn, I had a yummy Nutella snack to munch on as I drank out of a real glass cup during my flight! Melody was so gracious to pick me up, and some sweet man had a big cart and loaded up my bags to take to her car. I was only in town briefly but am so thankful for the chance I had to catch up with several friends at Lynnwood Grill. (I can't believe I didn't take any pictures, sorry!). My dad came down and met me with my car, we ran to the DMV and got it renewed then I headed further into the South...or should I say "backwoods" of Southern WV for my cousin's wedding. Let the culture shock of country life begin!

we might have almost lost a hat on the Wonder Wheel

from the pier at Coney Island

last brunch @ Peels

Bye Bye Manhattan!

crazy how big CP is!

there's my old 'hood

first time eating oysters with my FL girls!

Bryant Park lunch date

she's so hipster

always so hard to choose a color

definitely leaving with more than i  came with!

i don't think i had a bad meal in this city!

In Remembrance Part 2

The day after King passed away I kept my original plans of traveling to VA for my friend's wedding. I took the bus to DC, got my rental car, then drove down to Lynchburg. It was so good to just get out of Manhattan and away from the sadness. Nothing like a wedding to cheer you up after something so sad! Spending time with old friends was just what I needed and I'm so thankful for the the relationships that have lasted from my college days.

Mandy's wedding was beautiful and encouraging to me that yes, there is still hope and my future husband just might show up on my doorstep and change my life (at least that's how it happened for her and Andy). I enjoyed my time catching up with her sisters, even joking about how they wanted me to take a travel job down there so we could all hang out (little did we know I'd actually end up about an hour away---unintended). I stayed with some hometown friends and played with their healthy and sweet little girl. I bought shiny, pretty things at the J.Crew Clearance store. Life felt normal again.

Then I went back to NY and it didn't. I couldn't go back to work, it was all still too fresh. I wasn't ready to be someone else's nurse. I didn't want another patient to be in his room. I called out and it was one of the best decision I could make. Jenn, as always, came to my rescue and we trekked out to the Bronx zoo for a day of fun. This zoo was GREAT! I highly recommend it. I also recommend visiting the little monkeys that like to swing from branch to branch and then play "high five" with them against the glass divider. Don't worry, there is a video out there somewhere of my monkey play! The animals were great, the weather was perfect, and it was just the lighthearted activity I needed to refresh my thinking that life in NY was still good.

Hahaha...right before she got spit on!

The next day I was cancelled for low census. Little by little life was better. NY understood my heartache and that I needed to ease back into life. My next shift I reluctantly went to work, knowing that today was King's funeral. I'd asked coworkers if I could switch shifts but no one could/wanted to. I got my assignment, a homeless teenager who was despondent, depressed, and in desperate need of some fun and my coworkers thought I could fix this! I needed that challenge to continue to get out of my funk. I focused on her, not what I was going to miss. I used my break time to walk to CVS and buy wide tooth combs and detangler spray in attempts to make her feel pretty. She had gorgeous, thick, uncontrolled and dirty hair down to her waist. After 2 hours and 4 hands we had managed to wash it, brush it, and braid it...and even coaxed a smile out of her! I felt a small victory as my nursing persona was coming back. These are the impacts I like to have on my patients.

Somehow we discharged 3 patients and ended up being over staffed. I pleaded my case with the charge to let me be the person to leave early, vowing to come back if needed! I grabbed my salad (we had ordered lunch and it was almost 2 hours late) just as it arrived, raced outside, and hailed a cab. As I stuffed my face and mumbled the address to West Harlem we zoomed all the way up and across town. It was truly a mad-rush sort of NY moment for me.

I got to the funeral home about 10 minutes into the ceremony. I stood out like a sore thumb as I was still in my green scrubs and I was white. I edged my way into the doorway of a packed room and spent the next 2 hours standing and learning who the real King was, the healthy and active King I didn't get to meet. His classmates shared stories of how brave he was and how he helped them through difficult times. His teachers shared how he changed their teaching models and encouraged them during their first year of teaching in an inner city environment. His Oncology doctors shared his courageous battle and positive attitude. His mom made several "surprise" appearances for special readings and solos. She knew that if she had put her name in the program everyone would try to stop her. Her strength was just incredible. She shared her story of how King was the one who encouraged her to go back to school and pursue a Master's degree in Theology so she could be a better teacher and share God's love. She was composed and joyful. She gave us hope. Something that was so sad truly did turn into a time of rejoicing and homecoming. When it was nearing 3 hours the service concluded and they allowed for all of us latecomers to have a "viewing".

I shook hands, hugged, and said goodbye to brothers and aunts and uncles that I'd met over the past few months. Mom and I embraced, each with tears of joy that I'd made it and could tell them goodbye. Family members I'd never met hugged me and thanked me for the wonderful care that I'd given him. I spoke with a few of his Oncologists, thanking them for how great it was to work with such a caring team, and left. Here I was, a little white girl walking through the streets of Harlem with tears streaming down her face and a smile on her lips. I had touched a life, and he had touched mine.

In Remembrance Part 1

(WARNING: it's a little graphic)

During my time at NYU I had the privilege of taking care of patient "King" (not the real name). King was a teenager, about to graduate high school who'd been diagnosed a few years earlier with cancer. He bounced in and out of the PICU several times while I was working there and I often was his nurse. I don't think he was excited about me being his nurse, but I had built up a relationship with his mom and really admired this amazing woman so I always enjoyed being his nurse so I could spend time with her. Sometimes we forget that in pediatrics the family are the patients too, and this woman was taking on so much during such a trying time in her life. She was so positive, the kind of positive where I knew she had a hope in something bigger and through our time together we shared our journey of faith and how it gets us through the day to day, good and bad.

In April, King got really sick and was again admitted to the PICU. We all had a bad feeling and could see the slow, steady decline of his weak body. Day after day we transfused platelets and tried to prevent infection. We started TPN and lipids when he could no longer eat or drink. We initiated oxygen support when he struggled to breathe. We debated about putting in a chest tube, (it was quite a heated debate as I felt that it wasn't in the patient's best interest---they wanted to do it at the cramped/dirty bedside instead of the clean OR for this immunocompromised pt, AND this was 3 days after his respiratory distress and we had weaned him from Bipap back to nasal cannula)---thanks, that was my medical rant. We got him better, we celebrated his birthday and even had cake & pizza (which he didn't eat). I tried so hard to be the best nurse I could to him and his mom, at that point in time not knowing I'd be his last nurse to care for him.

I think I was gone for 2 or 3 days and when I came back to work he was dramatically worse. I talked with mom extensively, sharing my opinion of what our options are and talking about what is in his best interest. She was realistic, but still hopeful. My first shift with him was ok, my second was awful. We had a family meeting and in my opinion the medical team painted intubating him as a "rosy picture that would help" while I knew how traumatic it'd be and that it's not what he'd want. King was maxed out on Bipap settings and a Dilauded gtt for comfort. It was heartbreaking. Family came, we were all somber. He'd cheated death before, but would he do it again?

I came in for my 3rd shift, got report, sadly but realistically supported the DNR/DNI plan of care, noted mom sleeping in the corner, went to do my assessment and as I started to tell King that I was his nurse for the day his heart rate dropped from the 80's to the 60's to the 40's and I woke mom up and said these dreaded words, "Mom, I think this is the end".

She immediately was by his side, whispering her love, grasping at his hand. The PICU team arrived and we all watched, waiting, for that last breath and the official calling of King's time of death. I don't know if you've ever experienced this with a loved one, or as a medical professional but it's just odd. To think that one minute you're here, and the next you are gone. My confidence in times like this is that I do believe in an after life, I believe in heaven and hell, and after getting to know King and his mom I believe that I will see him in heaven one day with a healthy body!

Mom alerted the family, the nurses whispered what happened to one another throughout the unit, the room was quiet, peaceful, and then so cold. I sat with mom, we held hands, we cried, and then I prayed with and for her. As I write these memories even now my eyes are flooded with tears, being joyful that his pain is over and sad for the loss of such a great young man. Praying with her was so significant to me at the time because I'd spent over a year living in NY and CA, places were any religion except Christianity is tolerable and having to hold back offering "Can I pray with you?".

After all the family arrived and spent time with King and mom, I escorted them to the elevators, and as the doors closed I was allowed to grieve. He was MY kid. I loved him. I loved his family. I felt his loss too. As I collapsed in the hallway from emotion and heartache a kind nursing assistant got me a chair and cup of water. After composing myself I went back to the room because my job was not yet finished. I was still in charge of taking care of him, his body. Meticulously and carefully I removed tape, dressings, monitoring equipment knowing how fragile his skin was. We bathed him, then wrapped him in a plastic tarp (yes NYU, I'm still mad that you did not have the decency to supply us with adult zip up body bag. I hated every minute of rolling him over and over to tape the too small bag closed.) As if preparing his body for the morgue wasn't traumatizing enough I also had to take his body there myself, pushing him through the hallways, and place him on a giant "cookie sheet" to be picked up. This was just TOO much for me to handle. I'd never had to do that at any other hospital. In my previous experiences there was someone who staffed the morgue who would come pick up your patient and deal with that aspect. After returning to the unit my manager suggested I take a walk to clear my head and get my emotions under control. When I came back we had a small debriefing moment with coffee and stale bagels, they wanted me to stay and pick up another kid but I couldn't. How do you ask someone who'd just had their patient die pretend that nothing happened and be bright eyed and bushy tailed and excited to be someone else's nurse for 4 hours?

On my way out of the hospital I'm face with the question of what to do. I went on a walk. I showered and changed clothes. Am I allowed to lay on my couch and cry? Should I just act like nothing happened and call a friend for dinner? I ended up at Niobe Nails. It was a mindless activity that killed the time and forced me to make the only decision of "what color?" and "10 minute extra massage?". As sweet little Jun rubbed my hands and pulled my fingers, cracking my joints and tsking at my built up cuticle I knew today was for the best. Life goes on. King was happy and healthy in our Father's arms. His mom while heartbroken has the peace from that same Father who is holding him. And I had the privilege to be their nurse, to witness his final breaths, and one day see him again.

The Sister's Food Tour Part 2

Saturday morning started out with brunch at Pastis, located in the Meatpacking District. If I've learned anything after living in NYC it's that you should always get a reservation and always use the bathroom before you leave someplace. Brunching in this neighborhood negates the theory of reservations. It was 10am and there were lots of empty tables! We each ordered a different Eggs Benedict (my fave) and drank endless cups of coffee, served by the sweetest French lady. Aside from some great restaurants and upscale shopping the Meatpacking District is also at a great spot to pick up the Highline Park Trail. I love walking the Highline for it's great views of the city from a different perspective.

We made our way up to Central Park to see the sights and do some boating, my request of the wkd! We waited about an hour in line but the time passed quickly and the weather was lovely. I will admit, there was a bit of drama on my part about rowing the boat. I had a dream, and reality wasn't quite as magical...but it got there! First let me say, it's awkward trying to get off shore as you bump into other boats and are trying to manage these oars whose guidehooks aren't screwed on well...yeah, yeah, it sounds like a bunch of excuses instead of saying "I'm horrible at rowing", both are true. We finally got the hang of it and grabbed some fun shots. God Bless Jenelle for her patience and photography skills!

Baby Riggs is only 4 wks old! 

We weren't quite sure what we should do next so we grabbed some fresh roasted nuts to snack on and took the train down to West Village where we meandered through shops and Washington Square. It's a little blurry here what happened next, but I think it involved the decision to get MORE food and meet up with Jenn Brown. Always a good plan. Oh yeah, we had dinner reservations at Prune in the LES! It was quite a "derishous" dinner from a very unique menu! Good suggestion Emily. For some reason, we decided we must need more food so we headed to S'mac for some amazing Mac 'n Cheese to go, then to St.Mark's Place for bubble tea, and then to Pommes Frites for pommes frites (duh!), and then we tried walking home but it was just too much, so we caught a cab, a LADY cab driver at that, and then demanded we get out 4 blocks earlier so we could get some more Insomnia Cookies! We were women on a mission, and I think we succeeded...at eating well!

Sunday morning Jenelle flew back home, I dropped Em off at the Gallery Church and Jenn and I went to get our PALS renewal class (Pediatric Advanced Life Support). Sadly it was quite ugly/rainy this day and we met up with Em as a little cafe right by my apt, Cafe Delicattessan to come up with a rainy day plan. To be honest, I can't remember what we ended up doing, but it was fun and we made some great memories during our wkd together! Here are a few extra pics I forgot to slip in.